Not Dead Yet

 I'm sure there are plenty of ways to commit suicide, I'm just too chicken to look them up online.  Or go to the library and research them.  I'm afraid the random thoughts will become too real if I actually check into HOW to do it.

Now, before you send me the number for the suicide hotline, I'm sincerely not going to commit suicide.  And I'm not making lite of it.  But, the thought has crossed my mind.  I actually have thought that maybe I'd be better off dead.  Just done trying.  

I turned 60 years old 7 months ago, just after having a hip replacement.  And have not been the same since.  My position was eliminated this month...along with another 60 year old woman I work with.  

I've had 710 jobs in my life, give or take a few.  I've been laid off so many times.  I've quit so many times.  I literally have the worst career track record in history.  I would not even hire me.  I'm such a risk....  And not I'm an OLD risk.

I have no money saved. 

I'm the worst example of someone who should have their shit together by 60 years old.  

But, I'm not dead yet.  I still have time to do SOMETHING right.  Can you imagine still having hope?  Can you imagine still having faith in yourself?

Well, I have to.  Because, I'm not dead yet.  I just have to believe that I can turn this around.

I just have to believe that I can make something wonderful happen for myself, and possibly others.